I believe that I had a close encounter with the unforgivable sin. Let me explain. I had asked God to fill me with His Spirit. Soon I recognized that He was preparing me for this event. However, I had two tremendous problems. I was filled to the brim with pride and willfulness. I cared too much what people thought of me. I was more concerned with their opinions than I was with what God told me to do. If and when I was finally obedient it was with such reluctance that there was no joy for either God or me.
Needless to say the day arrived when the Holy Spirit met head on with my obstinacy and ego. He gave me several orders that would place me in humiliating human circumstances, (designed especially with my problem areas in mind, I'm sure). I knew it was the hour of decision for me. Would I do what He was asking of me regardless of the consequences? For several hours I hesitated, hoping for a way out. Finally I blurted out -- "No, I can't do it! I would rather die." As I spoke, outer darkness and all its terrors enclosed my spirit like a shroud. I knew that if I died at this moment I would be eternally lost. In fright and hope, I pleaded -- "Holy Spirit, forgive me and help me. For this time let this cup pass from me." Suddenly all was silent around me and I fell to the floor in relief. With piercing perception I knew that I had barely escaped the death penalty. Only by the grace and mercy of God had I been kept from committing the unforgivable sin which for me was to know beyond question what the Holy Spirit wanted me to do and then to adamantly refuse.
Of course you have guessed that the Holy Spirit did not let me off the hook. The day soon came when He reissued His original orders. (Through His mercy I had been granted a reprieve. In days to follow my flesh and spirit waged an intense battle for supremacy. I saw the utter destructiveness of my pride and will and knew that on this battleground my eternal destiny would be decided.)
Was I finally obedient? Yes. But that experience of outer darkness has indelibly imprinted itself on my soul. For I finally realized that only through the willingness of Jesus to do His Father's will had I been saved from such a damnable place. Now it is my turn to be willing. How can I refuse whatever the cost!
MC